I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Randomize
