My hand turned me down
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
