I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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