last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club đ
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He sang the chorus to âInside of youâ by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldnât even be mad, that probably took talent
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