If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
