Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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