I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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