I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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