Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
