so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
