i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
cat food counts as protein by the way
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
