I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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