just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
