I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
