The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
