im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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