He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
