I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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