dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
