The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
