i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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