I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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