Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
