Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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