this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
