T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He did a backflip because drugs
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
