I'm going to rape someone's good day.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
