How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
