Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize