I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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