I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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