my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
