u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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