I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
