Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
