tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
