Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
