Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
