I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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