Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Everclear isn't food dammit
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
