I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
