I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
