Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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