CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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