Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
