the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
