if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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