hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
