Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
