matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
